Changing

The Jaggi fireplace this year. Complete with three stockings.

Keith remarked the other night that it had been a while since I had written on my blog. A part of me feels like I could never write another post that didn't mention Brooke. I don't want it to seem like I have "moved on." I don't like that phrase. Move on. Yes, I keep moving. I keep doing all the daily activities I did before, but "moving" is different than "moving on." Saying that I am "moving on" sounds like I am putting it all behind me, tucking it away into a little neatly packaged memory box and shutting the closet door. I think about her and her parents constantly throughout the day. From the first thing in the morning when the thought enters my mind that perhaps something happened to Charlie during the night to when Charlie and I go on a morning walk and seeing him play with the leaves reminds me of Brooke doing the same thing. The worst is when Charlie is eating and I can't walk away without fearing that he will choke.

There are good thoughts of Brooke throughout the day too though. Like when I get frustrated with Charlie and quickly remember how blessed I am to have him and try a little harder to be the best mother I can be for him. Or when Charlie and I look at family pictures and he points to Brooke and sweetly exclaims "Book!"

Sarah posted the above picture on Facebook tonight. As cheery as it is, the sight of those three stockings and the nativity made me burst into sobs. I guess the trick is to find a place between just moving and moving on. We must keep moving, and we are, but we never want to go back to "normal."I feel like if I just went back to thinking and acting as I did before than it cheapens the influence of her life. It would make me ungrateful for the insights and bits of inspiration I have had as I have prayed and pondered over the events of the last few weeks. It has affected how I talk and interact with, and think about others. I want to keep on this path because I know it will help shape me into a better person.

I don't want to act like Brooke is only in the past tense, because she is not. I guess that is what my hesitation to keep posting on this blog comes down to. I don't want anyone reading this to think that I am "over it," or that I have just "moved on." I want you to know that Brooke, Sarah, Darren, and many others have broadened my gaze. I can't really say how at the moment. I just know that I find myself thinking about people and things differently than I did before.

So there will be more pictures of turtles, flowers, and Charlie. Pictures that will look like life is ever as it was before. What the pictures won't show is that I am changing. I feel like Brooke and the Lord are slowly working on my heart. And their work has just begun.