Saturday, June 4, 2016
It is hard at times to stay positive. Growing up I was surrounded by nature. In college, the mountains with their trails and climbs were right outside my front door. I biked everywhere without fear of having a seizure, losing control and crashing. In Raleigh I could walk to Lake Johnson - my refuge and place of peace. I could drive to the arboretum and watch Charlie run free.
I don't want to dismiss what I do have; the park just down the road with trails that wind through the rows of homes, friends that give me rides to weekly playgroups. How I am going to miss that weekly bit of social interaction! I am grateful for all the people here who have done so much to give me the ability to get out. Don't get me wrong on that fact, they have been wonderful.
I still miss the freedom and independence that comes with the ability to drive. I could wake up in the morning and decide that I want to go to the lakes with the kids and go. Just go. I wouldn't have to have made plans days in advance to have someone take me. I wouldn't have to feel like I was being selfish asking for someone to take me.
I miss being able to drive. Rather, I ache at times for the freedom that driving brings. I also miss being near natural places. I am within drive-able distance from them, but when you can't drive it doesn't make that big of a difference.
I keep on trying to remember that there are seasons in life. That how things are now doesn't determine the future. I try hard. I also remember that there are so many people out there who have it worse than I do. Not being able to take a ramble in the woods when they want, not being able to drive, or seizures, are all worries that they would trade theirs in for in a heartbeat. Just thinking about the heart wrenching trials that others deal with makes me feel guilty for complaining at all.
But it is still hard. There are still nights when I can't fall asleep because there is a lump in my throat. And there are still others when that lump turns into quiet tears of mourning for what was.
I know this is just a season of life and at some point it will change into another season. Hopefully it won't be a season in which I wish with all my heart that I could have this one back.
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven"
I wish I could more fully understand the purpose of this season.
Maybe when I do, it will end.