It is hard at times to stay positive. Growing up I was surrounded by nature. In college, the mountains with their trails and climbs were right outside my front door. I biked everywhere without fear of having a seizure, losing control and crashing. In Raleigh I could walk to Lake Johnson - my refuge and place of peace. I could drive to the arboretum and watch Charlie run free.
I don't want to dismiss what I do have; the park just down the road with trails that wind through the rows of homes, friends that give me rides to weekly playgroups. How I am going to miss that weekly bit of social interaction! I am grateful for all the people here who have done so much to give me the ability to get out. Don't get me wrong on that fact, they have been wonderful.
I still miss the freedom and independence that comes with the ability to drive. I could wake up in the morning and decide that I want to go to the lakes with the kids and go. Just go. I wouldn't have to have made plans days in advance to have someone take me. I wouldn't have to feel like I was being selfish asking for someone to take me.
I miss being able to drive. Rather, I ache at times for the freedom that driving brings. I also miss being near natural places. I am within drive-able distance from them, but when you can't drive it doesn't make that big of a difference.
I keep on trying to remember that there are seasons in life. That how things are now doesn't determine the future. I try hard. I also remember that there are so many people out there who have it worse than I do. Not being able to take a ramble in the woods when they want, not being able to drive, or seizures, are all worries that they would trade theirs in for in a heartbeat. Just thinking about the heart wrenching trials that others deal with makes me feel guilty for complaining at all.
But it is still hard. There are still nights when I can't fall asleep because there is a lump in my throat. And there are still others when that lump turns into quiet tears of mourning for what was.
I know this is just a season of life and at some point it will change into another season. Hopefully it won't be a season in which I wish with all my heart that I could have this one back.
Ecclesiastes 3:1
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven"
I wish I could more fully understand the purpose of this season.
Maybe when I do, it will end.
4 comments:
Hugs, my beautiful girl... <3
Your words went straight to my heart! We love you so much and appreciate the example you set for us!
You have such a sweet spirit about you and I barely know you. Thank you for posting this. It brings hope to me. I am sorry you have been dealt this, but you have such a love for life that is infectious.
Oh Katie, my heart is heavy for you. Of course you are thankful for what you have and of course there will always be people that have it worse, but that doesn't mean your suffering isn't real. Sometimes really crappy things just happen and I don't think it's our responsibility to figure out why or to understand some great secret in order for God to end the trial. I think sometimes we just get through it. And we learn to just be. To be mad when we're mad and heartbroken and happy and all the other things as they come. And through it all we learn to be compassionate with ourselves. I love you. Thanks for writing this - it has reminded me not to take my freedoms for granted.
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